I am really distressed today.
To give you a little background, I have been living on my own since January. Not the longest time, but I'm sure you can relate to when you first left home, how difficult it was at the beginning. In that time I have been getting residency to go to college and have been thinking that, maybe that would not be the best plan for me, as I am a professional procrastinator and probably would not be very successful in a formal classroom where my success depended on my efforts. So instead I've been looking for work.
I spent the summer lifeguarding and loved it. I had fun supervisors, fun coworkers, and a fun environment. The summer was possibly one of the best I've ever had. I made some great friends and did some pretty cool stuff. However, the end of the season meant the end of a job and I now find myself looking for work again.
Originally, I had my heart set on moving to Arizona to work with my cousin who owns a photography business down there. He is incredibly talented and I love what he does. It would have been an amazing opportunity for me, but unfortunately, that plan didn't work. Since I was working so hard to go to Arizona, I decided to sell my fall contract to someone who would just be here during that time. It worked out pretty well until my plans fell through. In the meantime I have been living with my aunt and uncle who live in the area while continue to find a job that will keep me busy and able to pay rent. I knew I had to find a new place to live in October, but I guess September just went a lot faster than I had anticipated and I now have to find a new place to stay. It kind of crept up on me.
Between that and trying to find a job, any job, that some over-qualified college kid here doesn't want, I'm just discouraged. I don't like that feeling but the truth is, if I don't find some way to make my life here work, I have to move back home. Not that I would mind being with my family, it's just that where they're living now has never been home for me. I've been there once since they've lived there. It would be a complete culture change and I would have to be there longer than I would like. I love my family, but I think we're all in agreement that I am where I need to be, I just have to find a way to make it work. That's always the trick.
I can't help but think, I was really happy here. Just a matter of weeks ago. I couldn't imagine how anyone could not love life and living and everything good in the world. I saw how beautiful the world is and all that cheesy optimistic crap. Lately, however, everything has turned gray. I feel as if I'm heading toward something and I don't know what it is. Metaphorically speaking, the greener grass on the other side was the grass I was on. I was in a state of being where things couldn't get much better for me, and without even realizing it, that grass turned brown and I think it finally died, just today. Figuring out life is not fun and I don't really want to do it anymore.
That's where I'm at today.
But tomorrow will be better. It usually is.
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